"That moment when someone yells 'Mom' at the store and you answer, even though your kids are at home."

"A mom is never needed more than when she is in the shower, going to the bathroom, or about to eat something."

"If you want a foolproof way to have a nervous breakdown, go to the grocery store on a Sunday with your kids."

"This mom bod has been brought to you by all the lukewarm, half-eaten junk food my kids didn't finish."

"This mom bod has been brought to you by all the lukewarm, half-eaten junk food my kids didn't finish."

"No, I don't think I need to pay extra for the organic, hormone-free meal for my kid; he eats Play-Doh and chapstick."

"No, I don't think I need to pay extra for the organic, hormone-free meal for my kid; he eats Play-Doh and chapstick."

"Hell hath no fury like a toddler whose pizza has a shred of basil on it."

"Whoever said communication is essential to a strong marriage obviously didn't have children interrupting them every 5 seconds."

"Parenthood: because free time, hot meals, and sleep are overrated."

"The secret to a clean house? Don't let your kids in it."

"My two main responsibilities as a dad: Keep kids alive. Keep wife happy."

"Can we stop labeling corny jokes as 'dad jokes'? Dad jokes are carefully crafted masterpieces."

"You never realize how many people you don't like until it's time to name your baby."

"I love you like laundry loves being folded. (Hint hint ... )"

"Lord, give me coffee to change the things I can, and wine to accept the things I can't."